1.12.05
stoopid.




ARGHHHHHHHH!!!






gw benci banget sama diri gw! amat sangat! bego! bego! bego!

kenapa bisa begitu?

begini.


hari senen kemaren (28/11) gw emang nggak masuk kuliah. karena mungkin kecapean abis tugas WO sabtu & minggunya (26 & 27). gw pulang" nyampe rumah aja di atas jem 11 malem terus. dan mulai tugas dari jem 4 sore gitu. dan seharian itu gw mondar mandir, berdiri terus sampe acaranya selesai, which is around 10 o' clock. dan setiap pulang gw langsung ganti baju, tidur! mungkin karena gaya tidur atau posisi tidur gw rada serampangan jadinya hari senen itu urat leher gw ketarik. nice job. alhasil leher gw ga bisa nengok kiri atau kanan. hurts like hell. ya gw memutuskan untuk nggak masuk kuliah hari itu. dan ternyata?


dan ternyata hari senen itu ADA KUIS PERBAIKAN NILAI buat web programming.



ADA KUIS PERBAIKAN NILAI.





repeat :
ADA KUIS. PERBAIKAN NILAI.










ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!








dammit! dammit! dammit!

urat leher sialan!

tau gitu gw bela"in deh masuk! tepar tepar deh selasanya! yang penting itu kuis perbaikan nilai sialan gw dapet! itu pun baru gw tau KEMAREN. hari RABU. setelah gw buka" forum iseng". can you imagine how stoopid i am? dan betenya, kemaren mood gw lagi bagus"nya di pagi, siang sampe sore hari. begitu malem, deg. langsung. berubah drastis down. dammit.



dan gw bener" ngerasa jadi orang terbego sedunia.



totally
idiot.



gimana ceritanya harapan gw mau naekin IPK? udah pernah gw post kan, kalo ga salah, untuk ngebalikin IPK ke 3 koma gw harus at least score IPS 3,6 di semester ini. semester depan? udah ga ada deh yang namanya bisa naekin IPK.



i screwed up. sucks. to the max.


can somebody puh-lease turn back the time?
*jedotin kepala ke tembok kenceng"*
29.11.05
and nobody seems understand.
i'm only a human.
with errors and lack of conscience.
and i'm broken.
bleeding.
wounded.
badly.
so, do you still think of me the way you used to be?


yeah. at least that's how i felt lately. okay, few days ini emang gw sibuk banget. hari sabtu & minggu kemaren (26 & 27) gw dapet tugas wedding organizer which is fun. agak mabok sih ngurusinnya.

anyway. back to topic. lagi nggak mood ngebahas apa yang terjadi selama tugas gw.

mungkin karena udah mulai 'terbiasa' hurt by love, gw jadi nggak terlalu gimana" sekarang. afterall, i'm a loser in such thing. loving without hoping anything hurts. dan gw udah ngerasain hal ini berkali". sampe eneg juga lama". entahlah. gw sekarang bingung sendiri dengan apa yang gw rasain. it's complicated.



i've said all my feelings to you,
but you seems didn't understand.
no, i can't hold on anymore.
i will fall.
and when i did,
don't catch me.
just let me fall endlessly.
'cause that's the way i want it to be.



dedicated to someone out there.


just ignore me, ignore this crap post anyway.

22.11.05
giving up.
and for just i-have-no-idea-lost-my-count freakin' times today, i tought about giving up. and why was that?


first.
everything just seems boring lately. yeah. tell me about it. i mean, look at the news. they're talking about terrorism. criminalities. murders. corruption. and how about the gossip channel? same thing, different package. divorces. marriages. clarifying things. it's like an endless circle of boredom! geez. and honestly, those things just starts to annoys me. a lot. get a life, will ya? what's wrong with your brains anyway? can't you see the world is getting down on it? enuff with the criminalities. why can't you just sit back, and start doing useful things for humanities sake instead of planting bombs everywhere? and whats with your ego anyway? defending you country is good. holding on to what you're believing is okay. but do you really have to spread terror, killing peoples just for that? geez. sick.


second.

am i cursed or something on love? i'm almost giving up on love. seriously. or am i just being too dramatic? blimey. i don't know what to say about this. but all i know,
love is not in my dictionary anymore. definitely. i give up. no matter how hard i try, it just went wrong. even when i'm this close to have love again, it just doesn't work! all i can get is just another pain. go on, stab my heart. give me all the heartbreak. 'cause i'm heartless anyway, rite? i don't have love anymore. whatever.


third.

i
hate to keep pretending in front of everyone. i hate to pretend, everything is okay. but it's not! okay? it's just not. i don't have a normal family, and neither a normal life! i'm all fcuked up! there. happy? funny is, i could give advices, listens, encourage and telling people about how to solve their problems. but i can't solve mine. very nice.


fourth.

i'm getting
very sick of all the angers, hate, rumours and stuff going through my life. what? even in my own family i can't get a peaceful corner. dammit!


and i just don't know what to do now.
i just so want to give up. runaway.
all i ask, all i need is just love. that's all.
is it so hard to do?














where is the love?