..it's all just about life..

stoopid.

2005-12-01T07:57:00.000+07:00

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

gw benci banget sama diri gw! amat sangat! bego! bego! bego!

kenapa bisa begitu?

begini.

hari senen kemaren (28/11) gw emang nggak masuk kuliah. karena mungkin kecapean abis tugas WO sabtu & minggunya (26 & 27). gw pulang" nyampe rumah aja di atas jem 11 malem terus. dan mulai tugas dari jem 4 sore gitu. dan seharian itu gw mondar mandir, berdiri terus sampe acaranya selesai, which is around 10 o' clock. dan setiap pulang gw langsung ganti baju, tidur! mungkin karena gaya tidur atau posisi tidur gw rada serampangan jadinya hari senen itu urat leher gw ketarik. nice job. alhasil leher gw ga bisa nengok kiri atau kanan. hurts like hell. ya gw memutuskan untuk nggak masuk kuliah hari itu. dan ternyata?

dan ternyata hari senen itu ADA KUIS PERBAIKAN NILAI buat web programming.

ADA KUIS PERBAIKAN NILAI.

repeat : ADA KUIS. PERBAIKAN NILAI.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

dammit! dammit! dammit!

urat leher sialan!

tau gitu gw bela"in deh masuk! tepar tepar deh selasanya! yang penting itu kuis perbaikan nilai sialan gw dapet! itu pun baru gw tau KEMAREN. hari RABU. setelah gw buka" forum iseng". can you imagine how stoopid i am? dan betenya, kemaren mood gw lagi bagus"nya di pagi, siang sampe sore hari. begitu malem, deg. langsung. berubah drastis down. dammit.

dan gw bener" ngerasa jadi orang terbego sedunia.

totally idiot.

gimana ceritanya harapan gw mau naekin IPK? udah pernah gw post kan, kalo ga salah, untuk ngebalikin IPK ke 3 koma gw harus at least score IPS 3,6 di semester ini. semester depan? udah ga ada deh yang namanya bisa naekin IPK.

i screwed up. sucks. to the max.

can somebody puh-lease turn back the time?
*jedotin kepala ke tembok kenceng"*

and nobody seems understand.

2005-11-29T11:22:00.000+07:00

i'm only a human.
with errors and lack of conscience.
and i'm broken.
bleeding.
wounded.
badly.
so, do you still think of me the way you used to be?

yeah. at least that's how i felt lately. okay, few days ini emang gw sibuk banget. hari sabtu & minggu kemaren (26 & 27) gw dapet tugas wedding organizer which is fun. agak mabok sih ngurusinnya.

anyway. back to topic. lagi nggak mood ngebahas apa yang terjadi selama tugas gw.

mungkin karena udah mulai 'terbiasa' hurt by love, gw jadi nggak terlalu gimana" sekarang. afterall, i'm a loser in such thing. loving without hoping anything hurts. dan gw udah ngerasain hal ini berkali". sampe eneg juga lama". entahlah. gw sekarang bingung sendiri dengan apa yang gw rasain. it's complicated.

i've said all my feelings to you,
but you seems didn't understand.
no, i can't hold on anymore.
i will fall.
and when i did,
don't catch me.
just let me fall endlessly.
'cause that's the way i want it to be.

dedicated to someone out there.

just ignore me, ignore this crap post anyway.

giving up.

2005-11-22T13:38:00.000+07:00

and for just i-have-no-idea-lost-my-count freakin' times today, i tought about giving up. and why was that?

first.
everything just seems boring lately. yeah. tell me about it. i mean, look at the news. they're talking about terrorism. criminalities. murders. corruption. and how about the gossip channel? same thing, different package. divorces. marriages. clarifying things. it's like an endless circle of boredom! geez. and honestly, those things just starts to annoys me. a lot. get a life, will ya? what's wrong with your brains anyway? can't you see the world is getting down on it? enuff with the criminalities. why can't you just sit back, and start doing useful things for humanities sake instead of planting bombs everywhere? and whats with your ego anyway? defending you country is good. holding on to what you're believing is okay. but do you really have to spread terror, killing peoples just for that? geez. sick.

second.
am i cursed or something on love? i'm almost giving up on love. seriously. or am i just being too dramatic? blimey. i don't know what to say about this. but all i know, love is not in my dictionary anymore. definitely. i give up. no matter how hard i try, it just went wrong. even when i'm this close to have love again, it just doesn't work! all i can get is just another pain. go on, stab my heart. give me all the heartbreak. 'cause i'm heartless anyway, rite? i don't have love anymore. whatever.

third.
i hate to keep pretending in front of everyone. i hate to pretend, everything is okay. but it's not! okay? it's just not. i don't have a normal family, and neither a normal life! i'm all fcuked up! there. happy? funny is, i could give advices, listens, encourage and telling people about how to solve their problems. but i can't solve mine. very nice.

fourth.
i'm getting very sick of all the angers, hate, rumours and stuff going through my life. what? even in my own family i can't get a peaceful corner. dammit!

and i just don't know what to do now. i just so want to give up. runaway.
all i ask, all i need is just love. that's all. is it so hard to do?

where is the love?

just wake me up for all day long.

2005-11-21T02:24:00.000+07:00

oh yeah.

oh yeah. this is sooooo freakin' good. it's 2:20 AM in the morning and my eyes were just open wide like some kind of 24 hours shop. and don't you tell me that's even normal! i mean, come to think of it. a twenty-years-old guy should be in bed at the moment. correction : every people. geez.

okay! heads up. beberapa hari ini emang gw seperti neglecting my blog. ouch. sorry. kenapa? tidak lain tidak bukan satu alasan : ujian! aduh. FYI, ujian gw itu dimulai 14/11 sampe 18/11 dan masih berlanjut ke 23/11 and the last one is on 25/11. sucks, eh? i know. sejak 14/11 gw nggak tidur sampe 18/11. literally speaking. call me crazy. call me obsessed with this exams. but hell, i want to score high! game time : how many glass of coffee did i drank for just one day?

nine.

bloody hell. i'm addicted! damn. dan sekarang entah kenapa gw mendadak nggak bisa tidur lagi. ergh. i must be either very crazy or going out of my mind.

untungnya ujian gw berjalan lancar dari 14/11 sampe 17/11. yeah. operating system was good. computer graphic (15/11) was excellent, except i kinda missed some details there. and languange & automation theory (16/11)? was okay! research methodology (17/11) just doing great. but not for web programming (18/11). it sucks. gw salah belajar! sumpah mampus bete banget. dapet kisi" mengenai PHP & ASP. ternyata... suprise! semuanya keluar java programming. alhasil dengan suksesnya gw ngarang bebas. damn. untungnya nggak terlalu kesel" banget. karena sorenya (ergh. lebih tepat malemnya) gw nonton Harry Potter with my friends @ TA! and i swear i didn't blink watched it! damn freakin' cool! yay! *grins* yang bikin agak bete sih gara" tempat duduknya kepisah". penuh banget! dari yang rencana mau nonton jem 7 akhirnya pindah ke jem 8. untungnya ada 2 studio. but it was fun, alrite =D

okeh. itu tadi mengenai exams gw. yang nanti akan gw lanjutkan tanggal 23/11. so... i have a spare time to relax, have fun and get some rest =)

speaking of having fun...

hari sabtu kemaren gw ke EX. itu juga agak" mendadak sih. first, gw udah excited banget. pas mau pergi masih okay. gw ngambil jalan senayan karena takut kena macet di grogol. but... ajebuset. pas nyampe stadion senayan, mendadak macet. and guess what? persija. rusuh. i was like, oh. my. god. what the hell was i thinking taking this route? dammit. sampe di depan hotel mulia, banyak banget bus" kota. udah bener" orange abis itu jalanan. plus batu. tanaman. pot. tanah. kaca. botol". ergh. definitely a view you don't wanna look. and i'm scared to death. mau puter balik juga udah nanggung. bisa" malah kena. modal nekat, gw terusin jalan. and in the middle of the road, banyak banget mobil" yang di-stop-in sama pendukung persija. whoa. FYI, sepanjang jalan gw ga brenti"nya komat kamit berdoa. damn i'm freaked out! untungnya nggak kenapa" dan sampe di EX dengan okay. huff.

enuff with the scary thinge. now let's talk about my teeth that aching like hell since 18/11! damn. pertama gw kira cuma sariawan biasa. and then, suddenly mendadak gigi geraham belakang atas dan bawah gw sakit. gatel. cenat cenut. mau tau rasanya? sampe ke ubun". dammit. now? still. sekarang kayaknya gw tau penyebabnya. gigi geraham bawah gw yang paling bungsu bakal numbuh. sariawan? masih. sakit gigi? yeap. dan sekarang nambah baru : gusi di gigi geraham bungsu ituh mendadak berasa aneh. arghhhhhhhh!!! gw bisa gila lama" kayak gini. damn. menderita banget! mau makan salah. minum pun sakit. gosok gigi nggak bisa bener. aduh. buruan deh numbuh. please. i beg you.

oh. udah mau jem 3. great. somehow, i really" gotta get some sleep!

laterz.

oh yeah. having insomnia IS a good thing.

2005-11-13T05:55:00.000+07:00

ergh. it's 5:53 AM in the morning. and i just slept for like... lets say... three hours? yeah. right. i'm awake from 4 AM or something like that. what is it with this insomnia thing?!! dammit. why on earth, of all of sudden, when these past few days i could sleep like endlessly (literally 'endlessly'), the almighty insomnia strikes me again? geez. praise the Lord at least i still managed to get some sleep. at least for NOW. dunno tomorrow. or the day after. or whatever.

FYI, i haven't get enough proper sleep from the day before, yesterday, and today. it's three days in a row. add some more four days, and i'll be scoring a new one week full of insomnia record. yeah. and i'll get my name on the hall of fame of insomnia. pretty cool. ergh.

and now for some indonesian time. i'm just too lazy and too sleepy to write in english. my brain isn't working as it supposed or at least expected to be right now. thank you so much, brain. hope you enjoy your torturement for me. making me lack of sleep like this. hell yeah.

kemaren jadinya gw pergi ke kampus. dan juga kemarennya lagi. untuk apa? mengapa gw mendadak jadi anak rajin? tidak lain tidak bukan karena kisi". belajar bareng. aih. you know, setelah gw itung", biar IPK gw naek dari 2,86 (what the...?) jadi berkisar di 3 koma gw harus at least score 3,6 di semester ini. i'm a dead man. for sure. back to the topic, at least gw udah lumayan ngerti mengenai itung"an sistem operasi. damn. tinggal grafik komputer doang yang masih samar". aduh.

asik juga ternyata kalo udah lama ga ketemu temen". hehehe. miss you, guys. jadinya ya pas belajar bareng (rencananya sih gitu...) jadi belajar bergosip bareng. d'oh?!! hahaha... seru banget liat temen" gw yang udah mencar" kesana kesini, dateng" dengan sejuta newsflash yang lucu". ergh... guys? beberapa aib lo gw bongkar disini ya? *grins*

so here it is... kira" dialognya kayak gini :

gw : eh buset. ga kurang lama lo orang datengnya. [ceritanya abis nunggu lama banget]
indah : jaaaaaaaahhhh?!! ada si sruntul... [ergh. indah? what is sruntul?]
agnes : lah. yang laen kemana? emang belon pada dateng?
gw : belom lah. baru gw doang aje gitu loh. tadi sih udah gw sms in yang laen. eh fefe dateng ga? [mulai gosip] kemaren pas gw ke plangi gw ketemu dia gitu... potong rambut loh dia. beda banget!
indah & agnes : sumpeh loooo?!! aih... jadi pengen liat fefe deh...
[gosip berlanjut sampe yang laen pada dateng]
gw : nah tuh si warxi.
indah : eh ga kurang lamaaaaaa!!! [warxi cengengesan]
[mulai belajar, terus karena pada banyak yang mau fotokopi akhirnya nungguin yang fotokopi]
gw : kemane aje lo! buset... ngilang mulu.
indah : biasa lah warxi kan udah sibuk...
gw : sibuk apaan? wah udah ada gebetan lo ye! ckckck... ga ngenalin ke gw gitu... bagus ye...
indah : iya tuh lo liat aja jidatnya... makmur bener tu jerawat...
warxi : astaga indah! mo mampus lo ye?!! [gw ngakak]
gw : oh jadi ceritanya udah pada punya gebetan nih... nes! mana gebetan lo?
agnes : apaan sih...?
indah : oh dia mah banyak gebetannya!
[agnes dapet telepon trus ngabur lama banget baliknya, pas balik...]
gw : cie cieeeee... yayang nih yeeee...
warxi : suit suit... hahaha... abis dicharge dia...
gw : berapa ronde? lama amat? puas bener tampang lo...
agnes : iya dong. aduh tapi sebenernya belom puas nih...
gw : apa? belom puas? ndru! puaskan!
[ngakak bareng]

yah... itu baru sebagian kecil gosip" yang mewarnai belajar bareng... hihihi =P

dan kemaren, entah kenapa bisa tiba" pas gw, rudy, agnes dan andrew lagi makan ayam penyet... mendadak andrew ngajakin makan" di greenville - taman ratu... rencananya sih mau makan ayam goreng tulang lunak, ngajak" yang laen gitu. tadinya ampir batal gara" masalah kendaraan. tapi... akhirnya jadi! hahaha ^^v kumpul" jem 8 di rumah rudy... akhirnya setelah pada dateng jadinya malah makan nasi campur & kwo tie gitu. meleset jauh banget dah dari rencana awal... hihihi =P but hell, it was fun! we should do it sometimes again guys. seriously. hahaha =D sayang kemaren gw nggak foto"... lupa... =P

udah ah mandi dolo. laterz!

[moodless]

2005-11-09T21:32:00.000+07:00

feels like no one knows
what is like to be me
sometimes i fall so far
that i just can't get up

can't fight the light at the end of tunnel
i'm falling down how do i

runaway runaway
from the tears and all the thoughts i have
and runaway runaway with my smile
i wish i could just
runaway runaway
from the man inside that makes me fall
runaway runaway

tell me what should i hid
or what can i do
why must i feel ashamed
of what's inside of me

runaway runaway
from the tears and all the thoughts i have
and runaway runaway with my smile
i wish i could just
runaway runaway
from the man inside that makes me fall
runaway runaway

sad and lonely like i'm caught in a storm
wish the waves would strike me no more
thunder and lightning always come back again
just when i'm almost won

runaway runaway
from the tears and all the thoughts i have
and runaway runaway with my smile
i wish i could just
runaway runaway
from the man inside that makes me fall
runaway runaway

runaway runaway
from the tears and all the thoughts i have
and runaway runaway with my smile
i wish i could just
runaway runaway
from the man inside that makes me fall
runaway runaway

oh runaway runaway...

-north~runaway-

[and i do miss you. but i could not say it to you. and i do miss you.]

i'm NOT a KID anymore!

2005-11-08T11:17:00.000+07:00

geez. biarkan saya menulis dalam bahasa indonesia. karena saya sedang amat-sangat-tidak mood untuk menulis dalam inggris!

kenapa gw bisa milih title kayak gitu? here's the reason :

tadi kan oom gw nelpon, ceritanya ngajakin jalan" gitu deh ke PIM 2 atau EX barengan keponakan" gw sama tante gw. ngajak nci gw juga (otomatis lah). gw tanya ke nci gw :

gw : kak. tuh diajak pergi ke PIM 2 kalo ga EX sama oom apin. mau ikutan ga?
nci gw : nggak. besok gw ujian. lo aja kalo mau yang pergi.
gw : aduh. ade sih males pergi sekarang. palingan kalo mau ntar maleman aja.

and you know??? nci gw langsung nyamber : lo kalo mau pergi jangan malem. sekarang aja. kalo sekarang lo ga mo pergi ya ntar malem nggak usah pergi. pokoknya ntar malem jangan keluar. denger ga?

WATDEFAK?!!

idih.

idih. idih.

idih. idih. idih.

it's so damn freakin' fcukin' annoying!

akhirnya gw telpon oom gw, bilang gw ga ikutan. trus nci gw masih nyamber : elo ga pergi? ntar malem jangan pergi. heran demen amat sih lo keluar malem. ga bagus tau jalan sepi. en de brei... en de brei... pokoknya semua hal mengenai jalanan sepi, ga bagus keluar malem dan seterusnya. pas gw jawab : liat aja nanti. nci gw langsung nyamber lagi : heran lo ya, dibilangin susah amat sih!

HELLO?!!

i'm a GODDAMN FREAKIN' FCUKIN' TWENTY-YEAR-OLD MAN.

HELL I'M TWENTY.

and that means i'm an ADULT.

geez. di USA aja umur 18 udah dianggep adult! please deh.

emangnya gw kaga bisa jaga diri apa? emangnya gw masih kayak anak SD, yang jem 6 sore teng harus ada di rumah dan nggak boleh keluar" lagi setelah itu? dan ini bukan sekali dua kali kejadian. EVERY FREAKIN' FCUKIN' time i want to go out on the night, nggak nyokap gw nggak nci gw pasti ngelarang". apalagi kalo gw mau nginep di rumah temen gw. ditanyain sampe sedetail"nya. mentang" nyokap sama nci gw jarang keluar malem, terus gw harus ikut"an begituh? oh. maap" aja dah. no fcukin' way! okay. gw ngerti alesannya rawan kalo malem. dangerous. but hell, ga setiap hari gitu loh gw pergi malem! gw pergi malem juga bisa diitung jari kali. dan setiap kali gw marah, pasti alesannya : itu kan karena mami / kakak sayang sama kamu.

BASI!

mungkin ini salah satu alasan kenapa gw pengen banget cepet" kerja.

i want to get a life of my own.

really.

*sigh*

---------------

NEWSFLASH :
akhirnya kemaren malem gw nggak tahan di rumah. bete gw udah maksimal banget! pas nyokap pulang, gw langsung bilang : aku mo ke TA. males di rumah. nyokap heran, dan nanya" sampe akhirnya gw ceritain ke nyokap. terus nyokap bilang : dia lagi stress gara" catetan THTnya ilang. gw langsung : d'oh?!! catetan ilang, stress, terus berarti dia bisa seenak jidat marah" ke aku? apa apaan tuh kayak gitu? dan akhirnya gw kabur ke TA. yay! ^^'

life.

2005-11-04T22:28:00.000+07:00

huff. i don't know why. but all of sudden i become such a sensitive person. these pas few days all i listened was :

mariah carey - through the rain
brandy - have you ever?
christian bautista - hands to heaven
clay aiken & kimberly locke - without you
jim brickman & martina mcbride - valentine
north - runaway
richard marx - right here waiting
s.e.n.s - ordinary people (piano instrumental)
trisha yearwood - how do i live
will young - the long and winding road

and tell you the truth, yes i cried. drop my tears. but not like a drama queen or something. it just felt like... a pain that will never gone, a cries deep from your deepest part of heart, life and soul that craving for a single light.

lemme make it simple. it's like you love someone so much, you started to care for that someone, but you still afraid and hold back to tell that person how you feel. deep inside you're screaming for your feelings, but still, you couldn't tell how you feel. some part of you just afraid that you'll hurt more people with your feelings, your love. but in other part, you're desperate for some love. yeap. it's a dilemma. i know it...

sometimes life just being unfair for everyone. and i know it, for sure, that many people had various problems, maybe more complicated and more dilemmatic than the one that i had. and all of sudden you feel like as if the whole wide world is just turning against you, people mocked you up, and the point is : it's so unfair!

but some friends of mine said :

okay. so life's been unfair for you. so life brings you down. so life's this and life's that. so what? it's not only you who feel that way. see how many people learn from their past. bounce back! remember this : the deeper you fall, the higher you'll bounce back. it's okay to fall. it's okay to cry. but after that, bounce back! life is a gift. d'ya want to spend the rest of your life in a sorrow? kick back the reality and stand up!

and to think of it, yeah, i guess those words kinda give me a booster for going through the hardest times of my life. everytime i started tend to be an egoistical fcuked up person, or start to hate my life, those words always ringing inside my head, and all of sudden i could accept everything.

thanks a lot guys. you rock.

but... tell you the truth. there's one thing that i couldn't accept fully. and that's my fcuked up doorknob. it's like always dropping every-single-time-you-open-or-closed-the-door. take a look :

here goes the door...

..and the fcukin' drop.

see what i mean? *sigh*

i need to get a new doorknob or i'll go crazy. believe me.

bandung freak.

2005-11-01T21:58:00.000+07:00

entah kenapa sejak mulai liburan lebaran ini gw jadi obsessed dengan satu hal : bandung. seriously. padahal kalo dipikir, jakarta nggak polusi" amat. mall bertebaran sana sini. tinggal comot aje. trus udah ga gitu macet (karena banyak yang mudik). tapi kenapa gw masih obsessed dengan bandung? i'm so damn weird.

mungkin karena i had a freakin' holiday of almost two weeks! gila.

holiday?

two weeks?

in jakarta?

and jobless?

yeah.

right.

keburu jadi fosil purbakala duluan gw sebelom masuk kuliah. betenya, masuk" gw langsung UTS. watdefak? idih sekale dah. so-not-my-type-of-holiday. makanya gw ngidam banget pengen jalan" ke bandung. keliling factory outlet. ngabur ke ciwalk. or just to get some view at sierra. the valley. or maybe, get back to nature in ilalang. as long as i'm out of this town for just a sec. see? i'm a bandung-freak. yeah. sue me. it's my guilty pleasure.

mungkin juga karena gw udah mulai bete abis sama suasana jakarta. i mean, it's like living in a de-ja-vu world! d'oh. sehari" ya gitu" aja. and maybe cause i'm so damn freakin' annoyed with the crowds. coba deh : jalanan mana sih yang nggak macet di jakarta? mall mana sih yang sepi di jakarta? cafe mana sih yang adem alami, ga brisik, and pewe abis di jakarta?

get me back to bandung!

*sigh*

like the ol' days

2005-10-31T20:49:00.000+07:00

i just don't get it. and it's so annoying. all of sudden these busway construction becoming such a ridiculous thing. in indonesia : idih sekaleee!!!

well yeah, i'll write in indonesian. again. cause i believe indonesia have more than enough insults than english. yeap. so here we go :

astaga. cuma itu yang bisa gw bilang. kenapa juga sih mendadak pembangunan busway yang udah berjalan lumayan lama ini suddenly sounds very-very annoying? gimana nggak :

jalanan jadi jauh lebih keriting daripada bulu anjing pudel yang pernah gw liat beberapa waktu lalu. sumpah.
mendadak kalo di jalan gw ngerasa waktu berhenti. gimana nggak? kaga ada yang bergerak samasekali gitu loh! (baca : macet total!)
dan kalo pengen ngerasain off-road adventure, ga usah jauh" ke citarik segala. cukup ke daerah" pembangunan busway tahap II kayak roxy atau harmoni atau sepanjang jalan daan mogot. dijamin ga kalah 'bergetar' dari bajaj.

bahkan ranjau" tersembunyi alias lubang jalan yang segede" bagong dan jelas-jelas di depan mata dicuekin. pedit apa prinsip praktis? sekalian diaspal pas busway udah kelar. ckckck.

but most of all, ga ada yang ngalahin racun buangan kendaraan" yang mengalami 'pemberhentian waktu'. serius. apalagi di daerah roxy. oh. i'm so speechless! panas ga kira". macet (banget!). inget waktu gw ke roxy untuk ngurus matrix? oh ya. yayaya. selepas sumber waras gw udah ampir jadi dendeng. lewat rel kereta masih macet. begitu nyampe di depan ITC sonoan dikit, jalanan

k o s o n g m e l o m p o n g.

watdefak?

itu soal jalanan.

now we're getting back to the ol' damn problem that i guess everybody had (or, at least, experienced) : love.

entah kenapa perasaan seperti ini bisa ada. it's like a bit empty, wanted to love, wanted to be loved, and a mix of hold back. emang susah kalo udah mulai ada feeling terhadap seseorang. see, this is why i hate myself when i already had a certain sign of a crush. i become such a mindless thing. my mood just swings like hell. and tell you, it's very annoying.

nggak bisa dihindarin kalo emang kenyataannya belakangan ini gw lagi punya 'something'. dan karena 'something' inilah perasaan gw kacau balau. thanks a lot. setelah gw mulai adapt and feel comfy dengan my so-called-life, tiba" : duar. semua berantakan. emangnya enak tiap hari, tiap saat meskipun cuma selintas, mikirin terus? itu masih mending kalo cuma selintas. nah, kalo sampe seharian full cuma duduk diam di kamar, paling top nyalain komputer denger lagu (itu juga lagu" sedih atau yang mellow") dan mikirin full seharian itu? bisa dikira udah gila kali. dan itulah yang sering gw lakukan belakangan ini. damn.

begonya, gw kadang menikmati perasaan kayak gini. yeap. menikmati. agak tersiksa emang. cuma anehnya ya itu tadi. menikmati. lucu ya? hm. try to be me and we'll see if you could laugh after that.

and you know what?

i missed the ol' days.

i missed the day when i didn't have a clue about love after all.

i missed the day when i have my own love, not to worried to give to anyone.

i missed myself.

dan gw kangen jalanan jakarta yang sepi serta semulus pantat kebo. suer.

oh. lagi.

i need to stop myself from love.

seriously.

better : i need to stop thinking. sucks.

silly!

2005-10-29T21:10:00.000+07:00

^^
V

*the
biggest
grins in my life*

oh yeah, i’m SO HAPPY today!

=D

[can’t stop laughing and smiling like a very stoopid person. honestly.]

yeap. it's morning crap.

2005-10-27T08:09:00.000+07:00

whoa. i just woke up this morning with the strangest thing going on my mind. so, yeah, i decided to wrote it down.

when i think about something so-called-love, or care, or whatsoever people said, sometimes i get a bit sarcastic. hey, doesn't mean that i don't believe in love. i do. honestly. it just that... well, many people just fell in love, easily, and afterwards they realized that maybe it's just a crush. ergh. silly. and they just left away like that. and that's what i did. huff.

see, i was having a strange feeling lately to someone. but... this kind of feeling, is not the same that i used to have when i haven't got a clue of a thing called love. i mean, it's so different. kinda mixed with a yeah-so-i-love-you-so-what feeling. it just felt doesn't right.

usually, when you fall in love (and i mean really fall in love) you will have somekind of a mood going out there. you'll get extremely happy all the time you'll be dead smiling, and it just feel like you got nothing to worried about. and i tell you, when someone's in love, they have somekind of a shining thing. i mean, it looked sooo obvious! and now i don't feel something like that. weird.

eventhough i tried to love, care or give a slightest feeling for that someone, it just feel...

empty.

it's like okay, you like this guy/girl. and you do have a certain crush on him/her. you know you love him/her, and you do care about him/her. but that care feeling, love feeling, won't come out. it just hide away or gone. snap. just like that.

is it possible because of the pain you got when you first believe in love and suddenly you got hit by reality? it caused so much pain, so even without you realizing it, you reject love. you despair love. no matter how hard you tried (in your consciousness, of course) it just... gone. many times you've repeated to yourself : hey, i'm okay now. it's over anyway. i can love someone again. i want to love someone again. but it just won't be the same anymore.

back to the top, sometimes i just get angry to people who, when they realized it just a crush, they will act like hey-i-only-had-a-crush-on-you-no-big-deal attitude, or i-only-dated-you-for-fun thing. d'oh? wake up guys! can't you see, many people outside your filthy narrowed vision of love world is craving for love. they search for it! many people, who got hurt by love and by someone they loved didn't recover! they want it so badly so that they could feel even a slightest feeling like it used to be when they fell in love! and you just act like hey-i-only-had-a-crush-on-you-no-big-deal? or i-only-dated-you-for-fun? geez.

and yes, i mean it. many people didn't recover 100% from the pain they got from love.

and i'm included.

when you love someone, make sure you really love him/her. and make sure it's because you want to.

i'm outta here.

indonesia, please?

2005-10-26T09:32:00.000+07:00

ah ya.

i want to make today is the indonesian language day. so... 'met ngebaca deh! (translation : save reading!)

*caution : language provided here may not be suitable for your eyes. please, kindly have your indonesian-english dictionary ready at sight. thank you*

ahhhhh!!!
hari yang sangat mem-bo-san-kan!!!
sebenernya nggak juga sih. tadinya gw berencana pergi ke dufan bareng temen" gw. but guess what? batal. yeap. batal. padahal gw udah semangat" sampe nodong ke nyokap gw minta cash buat kesono. ternyata sodara sodara... yakk diulang lagi... batal. b-a-t-a-l *sigh*

oh ya. kemaren gw sempet ke TA abis dari roxy. lah? penting gitu ya? iyalah! sebab... dengan suksesnya kemarin lusa matrix gw kena blokir! yesss!!! ternyata pas nge-fax kartu keluarga nyokap gw cuma nge-fax depannya doang! belakangnya kaga! udah ditelponin gitu sih dari beberapa hari yang lalu. tapi... ya namanya orang sibuk... nyokap gw lupa nge-fax ulang. dan begonya lagi gw pun lupa ngingetin! jadilah dengan sukses hari senin jam 17:31 gw yang lagi enak" ngebrowse dan ber-friendster ria harus menerima kenyataan bahwa kartu matrix gw mencessss *dengan ssss yang nikmat, plus tekanan suara yang passss...*

dan yang bikin gw bener" bete : gw nelpon indosat call center (222) buat nanyain kenapa... dan annoyingly, gw selalu entah nyambungnya ke bagian mentari atau dicuekin alias nggak nyambung"! kira" dialognya seperti ini :

*teken 222*
indosat : terima kasih anda telah...
*langsung pencet 1*
indosat : untuk informasi mentari...
*langsung pencet 9*
indosat : mohon tunggu sebentar. anda akan terhubung dengan customer representative kami.
*nunggu, dengan background lagu indosat atau kadang" malah sepi kayak kuburan*
indosat : maaf, seluruh customer representative kami sedang sibuk. mohon tunggu sebentar. anda masih berada dalam antrian kami.
*nunggu lagi*
indosat : maaf, seluruh customer representative kami masih sibuk. sebagain informasi, kami melayani anda 24 jam. terima kasih. -klik!-
eh? kok mati?

atau kalo nggak dialognya kayak gini :

*sama kayak yang diatas, males nulisnya lagi!*
*tiba" nyambung*
indosat : halo... dengan XXXX bisa dibantu?
gw : iya halo...
indosat : maaf, saya berbicara dengan bapak siapa?
gw : saya Leo...
indosat : maaf bapak Leo, nomor handphonenya berapa?
gw : 0815 sekian sekian sekian...
indosat : oke... ada yang bisa saya bantu?
gw : iya... saya mau nanya... ini kan kartu matrix saya...
indosat : -langsung motong- oh maaf pak, ini layanan untuk mentari... untuk matrix bapak bisa hubungi 222 atau di 54388888...
gw : aduh mbak... -soalnya yang ngangkat cewe terus- ini saya udah mencet 222... dan kalo nggak sibuk pasti nyambungnya ke mentari...
indosat : yah dicoba lagi aja pak... mungkin lagi padat jalur matrixnya jadi dialihkan kesini...
gw : -pasrah- ya udah deh... makasih ya...

and you know what? dari jem 6 sampe jam 7 lebih gw nelpon dan selalu kayak gitu! udah sempet gw tinggal mandi, bukain nyokap pintu, sampe masak!!! watdefak? akhirnya setelah beberapa kali nyoba, mungkin orang indosatnya kesian juga kali ya, kok nasib gw jelek amat? finally, setelah gw puas nelpon dengan dongkol ada orang indosat yang dari mentari berbaik hati nanyain ke bagian matrix dengan kompensasi nunggu yang lumayan lama. okelah. dan bener aja dugaan gw : masalah terletak pada kartu keluarga yang tidak lengkap ituh! aih.

besoknya... gw ngingetin nyokap untuk nge-fax kartu keluarga pembawa bencana itu. eh tapi abis nyokap gw pergi gw tiba" inget : nah lo. ntar kalo nyokap gw seenak udel nge-fax yang nerima disana bingung kali! coba deh telpon dulu indosatnya...

*langsung diterima bagian matrix! akhirnya...*
indosat : selamat pagi... dengan XXXX bisa dibantu?
gw : iya...
-selanjutnya proses menanyakan nomor telpon dan blablabla-
gw : gini mbak... -lagi" yang ngangkat cewe- kemaren kan kartu matrix saya kena blokir... karena dokumennya kurang... nah ini saya mau nge-fax... bisa nggak ya?
indosat : oh waktu itu ngedaftarnya dimana?
gw : waktu itu pas lagi promosi di citraland mbak...
indosat : bentar ya saya cek dulu... -setelah dicek- oh gini... bapak harus dateng langsung ke galeri indosatnya... nggak bisa lewat fax...
gw : waduh... gimana ya mbak, soalnya saya ada keperluan ntar, nggak sempet pergi kesana... -padahal sih emang males aje-
indosat : oh galeri kita yang di sarinah buka 24 jam kok pak...
gw : waduh... -masih alesan- soalnya saya ntar kuliah -padahal boro"- sampe malem... jadi nggak sempet...
indosat : tapi galeri yang di sarinah buka 24 jam...
gw : aduh bukan gitu mbak...
indosat : iya bapak coba aja ke sarinah... 24 jam kok pak... -mulai kekeuh nyuruh gw ke sarinah-
gw : ergh. -mulai kesel- emang harus ke galeri ya mbak?
indosat : iya pak... yang di sarinah buka 24 jam kok... -idih ngotot amat sih? iya gw tau!-
gw : ya udah deh mbak. makasih ya...
indosat : sama"... ke sarinah aja pak, 24 jam kok -ya ampun. gw sambit juga neh- terima kasih... selamat pagi.

argh! can you believe it? untung gw kaga beneran ada kuliah. coba kalo ada. i mean, plis deh, udah pulang kuliah malem. cape. laper. harus ke sarinah dari kemanggisan. belon lagi nunggunya disana. definitely not my kind of travelling. emangnya gw kaga ada tugas" kuliah apa? ini aja udah seabreg" dan akhirnya gw cuekin karena udah jenuh banget ngerjainnya. sebodo deh mau dapet brapa ntar TM gw. d'oh.

yah... akhirnya gw pergi juga ke roxy. nunggu dipanggil. eh ada yang lucu" gitu deh di ruang tunggunya. pas lagi duduknya milih sebelah gw. pinter"... ^^' kan lumayan ada pemandangan seenggaknya. tapi sayang gw keburu dipanggil... *alah*

trus abis dari roxy gw cabut ke TA, nekad nonton. iseng" gw nonton The Brothers Grimm. keren! =D

hari ini enaknya ngapain ya?

sigh

2005-10-22T15:41:00.002+07:00

SUCKS!

it's absolutely very SUCKS. i had annoyingly SIX project assignment for computer graphics, ONE unbelieveable mid term project for object oriented software engineering, TWO fcukin' lab project each for web programming and computer - human interaction, also THREE damned theory project for web programming and computer - human interaction again.

okay.

let's summarize :

6 computer graphic assignment
1 mid term object oriented software engineering project
3 web programming object (2 for theory and 1 for lab)
2 computer - human interaction project (1 for theory and 1 for lab)

so.

i believe *thank God* i still have a space on my brain for counting...

let's say i have fcukin'-annoying unvelieveably-damned TWELVE task to do! it's T-W-E-L-V-E. spell it, please.

and it's only mid term.

what the fuck?

ARGGGGHHH!!!!!

[i need a medical check up after i finished this term. i do. and yeah, a good psych will help a lot.]

please welcome the loser.

2005-10-20T22:52:00.000+07:00

and today is just SUCKS. it simply sucks.

first, i don't get enough sleep in the morning. (thanks to the maid! WTH?!!)

second, my brain is aching like hell since i didn't get enough sleep.

third, i was getting annoyed by the 'ring-and-don't-say-a-word-just-hang-up' phone in the morning! dammit! it's so annoying! every morning some assholes just keep ringing to my house, and when i picked it up, it just hang up! darn.

fourth, i get a bit dizzy cause of my new glasses. will you just adapt quickly, dear eyes? please. i beg you.

fifth, i'm a loser in my midterm lab exam. i just like sitting there staring blankly at the monitor without even thinking anything. and yes, my brain is still aching like hell. thank you very much, brain. since when you're enjoying to torture me and make me drop dead like that?

sixth, all of my body just in a f*ckin' unbelieveable pain. dammit!

now did you see why today is just simply SUCKS?

lazy day

2005-10-19T09:38:00.000+07:00

d'oh.

it's been a hell of a lazy day. i just sat here in front of my PC and do nothing. can you believe it?

and i tried to open binusmaya just to look out some assignment, but what the hell? it just kept loading like forever. d'oh again.

and yeah, i'm just soo lazy today. i could sleep all day long.

please gimme some work to do!

PS. i have some project assignment actually. but i'm just way-damn-too-lazy to do it. seriously. and yeah, tomorrow i'll be facing my midterm lab exam! sucks.

heads up!

2005-10-19T08:38:00.000+07:00

oh my GOD. where have i been? kinda neglecting my blog...

well, few heads up :

i gained WEIGHT. hell? it must be that weddings job i had! bah. can someone PUH-LEASE tell me how to eat freely without worrying to be a fat-lazy-old pig? *sigh*
tried to collect some money. i want to buy a new cellphone... kinda bored with N6670. guess what? i had to collect almost Rp. 1.500.000,-! geez.
got some work... last month. but i quitted. yeah. hell, my college is mixed up! got a lot of assignment to do. yikes!
subscribe for matrix... it's only for GPRS! so my mom won't screamin' when she saw the phone bills *grins*
and finally... i had a kinda kewl nightmare few days ago. and it REALLY make my eyes open. there's a lot of world's issues, and it's happening. AIDS. poverty. human rights. so i decided to PARTICIPATE on worldwide organizations dealing with such things.

so there you go. newsflash from my life =)
laterz.

PS. oh yeah, i just bought a new glasses! =D

death. i just can't understand it.

2005-08-05T00:18:00.000+07:00

actually i'm not in a mood of writing things right now.

okay, yeah. today was fun. played badminton with my highsch friends, and talking with edwin =)

but...

i got a shocking news this afternoon. my dad called, telling that my uncle, lucky, has just passed away @ 4 PM. he's in cikini hospital. major cause? heart attack. i'm not really" close with him, but all of this makes me think the other way of life. yes, death has it all. it could come silent. maybe in our sleep. maybe when we're doing activities. it's undetectable, unpredictable, and unstoppable. on my depressed times, i often think to end this miserable life of mine forever. but now i realize, it's a stupid thing to do. death, could come anytime it want. so be glad that you're still alive & healthy today.

second news, i heard it from tv. actually my mom called me in a hurry to her room, and there you go. in that glass box, i saw a student in my university was murdered. she died cause her throat was slit. her name is jenny. after i informed my friends about this, a friend of mine, andrew, message me on YM and said that this girl is his friend's friend. and i saw her profile on friendster. she's nice actually. and i just can't stop thinking : what is her fault anyway? she looked nice, a normal-ordinary girl.

i'm just too tired to write again.

and i'm just way too sad to write things.

rest in peace, uncle.

rest in peace, jenny.

i may never know you, but i think you as a friend of mine.

my deepest condolence.

i believe He will take both of you by His side.

amen.

can i go back to highsch again? please? promise i'll be good.

2005-08-02T23:48:00.000+07:00

dam dee dam.

syubiduwa.

hahaha. okay stop. i look silly.

i just got back home from meeting my old senior highsch friends. yay! and it's sooooo much fun! got laughing together, sharing stories & taking pictures! miss ya guys... tee-hee =) here's some pic :

that's me. yani. agnes. billy

clockwise : me. wandi. antony. irvan. iskandar.

oh that moments! LOL =D

it's been a while since i met yani. she got her hair grow. whoa. she looked more feminine. at least for now. hahaha =P and iskandar? yeah. haven't met him too since i met him in campus. not much changing. and the other guys. had a great time today! i treat my friends, well since few days ago was my birthday. hahaha. and on august 8th i'll go to dufan with some of them. yay! happy happy happy =D

oh man. i'll be talkin' in my sleep *LOL*

freak neighbours. and i mean it.

2005-08-02T15:17:00.000+07:00

oh yeah. keep yelling. soon i'll trash your house out. could you just be-be-be so-so-so quiet for just a single f*ckin' day?!! damn. oh i missed the day i don't have a neighbour on my right side. it's sooo damn peaceful.

lucky for those assholes, i'm not in the middle of anything.

lucky for those f*ckin' shit, i'm not working on my thesis. not yet.

lucky for those motherf*cker, i'm still having my patient.

but not with my sis. hahaha. she just ran out, and start roaring the car soooo freakin' loud. and guess what? the noisy chat faded out. hell yeah! way to go sis! *grins*

lemme tell ya bout these assholes that have been f*ckin' noisy since around 5 months ago. they just moved in, and on the very first day, that bitch over the house start yellin' like a freak. talkin' bout a siren. phew. and they have two tiny little brats who just messing around the house, playing in front of my house and yelling just like the bitch. hell? they even rattling my fench! and when they got back from school, those f*ckin' brats always yelling out. ever heard an elephant who got a cold and try to sneeze? yeah. they sound exactly just like that. can you imagine, every-f*ckin'-single-day that bitch and those braggabrats shouting, yelling, in a very-high-pitched voice? i'd better watch some soap opera than listening to them! damn. can you even believe it? okay. first month, it's OK. second month, starts to annoying. third month, testing the patience. what the..?

yo bitch. do you always have to yell to your brats? do you always have to shriek like a mad cow? damn bitch. someday you'll get f*cked cause of this. trust me. keep yellin' and i'll bang your head to the wall. you could count on me. one more yelling, and i swear i'll shut you up.

lemme see ya'll living in the library. yeah. that's a reality show.

a little morning talk

2005-08-02T12:15:00.000+07:00

*yawn*

gosh i'm so sleepy now. just woke up at 10 this morning! yay! still a bit dizzy, lack of sleep. hell. i don't know why but lately i can't sleep under 12 o' clock. it's gotta be above. no wonder my eyes looked like a panda now. dammit.

and yesterday, my back is aching like one big giant was sitting on my ass. ouch. and these days i feel a bit hurt in my chest, dunno why. masuk angin? maybe [hell i don't know what's the english for that word! entering wind? LOL] ah... i really" need to change my habit now! sleep! sleep! sleep!

i just got so bored lately [or is it my laziness? LOL] and haven't going anywhere since. just staying in my room. i'm just not in the mood for any activities. hell what the hell is wrong with me anyway? wake up silly! crap. today i'll meet up some highschool friends, yeah. a kind of reunion. hope it will be fun. crossed my fingers...

weird - o

2005-08-01T17:51:00.000+07:00

here's the thing. just found out some weird things happens around me.

weird number 1.
did you guys see the tagboard down there? yes, that tiny little looks-so-innocent-but-actually-it's-a-f*ckin'-annoying-thing. when i viewed my blog using mozilla firefox, that thing just way over lined up to the left. it's not on the line with the counter, the graphic and every crap up there. when i viewed with IE, walla. it just sneaks out and lined up perfectly. that's weird.

weird number 2.
i used MSN. yeah. i asked my friend alga how her contact card looks like :

| aLga | -censored-
http://www.-censored-.com/~censored again [it's her privacy!]

cause mine looks like :

LeoN
battle with the blog [http://slippin-off-the-edge.blogspot.com]

but she said my contact card looked just like her in her MSN. that's weird.

weird number 3.
today the lights goes out twice. which is so-irritably-annoying thing, cause i have to start designing my blog again. dammit. i'm just scared my computer will burned out for having such a hi-lo voltage. but some of my neighbour's light didn't even flick. that's weird.

weird number 4.
my blog design just went out. it won't work at all. then i changed it to another design, and as you can see, the result is like the one you're staring at. funny is, in mozilla firefox it's all screwed up like a piece of shit. but on IE, it just sit there nicely like a schoolboy kid. hell. that's weird.

hope it doesn't get weirder along with the night. geez.

i'm outta here. laterz blog.

i'm so gonna killing those noisy kids. trust me.

2005-08-01T07:54:00.000+07:00

morning.

hello blog. didn't expect we'll catch up this early, didn't ya? well. face it cowboy. i'm all awake now. thanks to those tiny little brats out there who keeps yelling like a mad cow. neighbours, would you be kindly to buy your kids a mouthstrap? or else. thank you very much.

i really" need to clean up my room. i found an annoying not-so-big spider just laying under my clothes. eww. shoo. shoo. go away!

take a look at my room's condition now. and you'll understand.

that's my feet. just ignore them.

and this morning [again] i suddenly had a weird thought. yesterday, just yesterday, i read an email from my friend. it's a story about a guy who have to accompany his mother to shop some new dress. he actually doesn't like to wait. and that is what happened during the hunt for the dress. after few hours, he can't stand it anymore. so he entered the changing room along with her mother. inside, he got hit by reality : he saw his mother's hands trying so hard just to get the laces of a dress tied up. yes, his mother got rheumatics. those hands who took care of him. those hands who feeds him. those hands who washed him. those hands who hold him. and he got out for a while, to hide a sudden burst of tears that flows inside his heart. all the hate & anger that he have for waiting so long just washed away. then he got back inside, and help his mother to tie the dress. and so they went home. when his mother is sitting on the chair, he approach his mother, took her hands and say : these are the most beautiful hands i've ever seen..

it's touching actually. well, my mom got rheumatics also. i don't know how to say this, but i often act like that guy in the story. lemme just say this : mom, i'm sorry. never meant to hurt you. but sometimes life's just so unfair as for you, and as for me. i just don't have that much strength as you have to face it. but i promise, i'll took care of you. sorry mom. love ya.

is this ok?

2005-08-01T00:25:00.000+07:00

damn. spending all my nite here just to adjusting this f*ckin' hell blog. i'm starting to regret why didn't i choose livejournal at the beginning. eventhough yeah, i finally made some improvement over this shitty thing. see, i'm not that best friend with those annoying template tags.

got hell a lot of wasted times trying to upload a photo for my profile. got trashed to this picasa thingie and i don't even like the name at all. geez. and guess what. it didn't even work. or am i just too stupid to use that thing? told ya. i'm not best friend with those complicated thing.

ok. now i'm done.

check it out. see what's wrong with my blog. got the clue?

hell. why does the counter & the tagboard doesnt' line up!!!

bloody hell. even for inserting this damn picture i have to use flickr. again. what the? and flickr = tags. tags = template. template = annoying. hell. didn't i tell you that i don't get along with those annoying template tags? geez.

alga, where r u girl? need some help here.

man, i need some sleep now. badly. i'm so tired. i swore a lot today in this blog. sorry. bad habit. panic strike. whatever.

nite guys. nite blog. we'll have some battle again. maybe later. right.

bad idea. really" bad.

2005-07-31T22:02:00.000+07:00

i just left my computer for a sec to sneak some ice cream tart that i had for my birthday yesterday. failed? indeed, i was successful. so what's wrong?

i ate it in front of my computer. and that's the bad idea.

the flakes of ice that is lying 'innocently' under the paper that i used as a plate for my ice cream swings happily and drop dead. right on my keyboard. hell? luckily i still wrapped my keyboard with plastic. otherwise, i'll be busy with my mom's hairdryer right now. keyboard gets naughty. oh crap. lets battle with this blog now. again. hell yeah.

and this is how it works.

2005-07-31T20:38:00.000+07:00

!!!

???

!

?

#$^%*#&$%*&!@*@#

don't bother me. just having a battle with this blog. crap.

party mess. hell?

2005-07-31T20:05:00.000+07:00

and i just wake up at 9 AM in the morning. as usual, i do my morning routines : checking up my cellphone and do some stretching. and for just a second there, WHAM! i just realized that my room is a mess. hell? clothes. books. bags. underwears. jeans. towel. papers. wrappings. even my watch is down to the floor.

and i just mouthed : what the..?

and another wham hits me, oh yeah. had some party last nite. everythings just throwed up in my room. i had to find my clothes, had to prepare the music sheets that i'll be playing, oh crap. and i just remebered again that my house is far-away-a-lot-more messed up than this leftovers of battle that i'm staring at.

hell i'm 20 now. not much to change i guess. except that some of my behaviour needs a rollover. badly. and i just started it by congrating birthday to my friends, which they think it's weird. some even say :

alah, bilang aja elo mau diselametin

or :

ya ampun.. belom ada yang nyelametin ya?

at a second there, i thought : huh? well, go ahead. think that way. i don't mind. cause i never do this before. but guys, seriously. ya'll have to get used to it. hahaha ^^'

hell. i need to take a shower now.